Poop Like A Caveman and other bathroom wisdom


Of all the rooms in my house, my favorite is the bathroom. Bedrooms and kitchens have their charms, sure, but neither approaches the bathroom’s blend of solitude and comfort. The bathroom is where magazines are read and ideas are generated; where a modicum of privacy and a moment of respite is possible. A good bathroom break is like a small-scale spa visit—a few minutes of self-care that can make the rest of the day a little more bearable.

For month two of my self-bettering experiment, I’m going to overhaul my bathroom—testing products, speaking to experts, and adopting the latest methods to make the most of my morning ablutions. What kind of toothbrush should I be using? How should I shower? Which brand of toilet paper is best? My goal is to make my bathroom as comfortable as possible—a luxurious Shangri-La retreat that will leave me coddled and rejuvenated.  MORE…

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Deteriorata


DETERIORATA

 GO AVIDLY amid the smog and waste, and rejoice in the comfort of owning a piece thereof. As far as possible, neither surrender nor otherwise kiss ass, except for profit. Avoid quiet, boring people, unless you are badly in need of sleep. Their stories are pointless. Practice consumerism. Speak glowingly of those who perceive themselves to be greater than you: it puts them at ease, and if you then play your cards right they will soon be sucking up to you. Avoid loud, aggressive and poor people, lest they harm your image. IF YOU compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter. This will provide incentive to achieve more. Remember that two wrongs never make a right, but that a third may well work to your advantage. Rotate your tires. Spread the news of your achievements, but hold close your ambitions until you have sufficient leverage. Whenever possible, put people on hold. CONCENTRATE on your career. It will not always be humble — nor will you. Along with your home, the Beemer and your family, your job scores you points in the game of life. Remember that he who dies with the most toys wins. IF YOU have not yet learned that the world is full of trickery, wake up already! But let this not blind you to what virtue there is: many people strive for high ideals, and they are ripe for the plucking. BE YOURSELF, but let no one know who that is. Do not feign affection, nor be cynical about love; buy people, so that you know where you stand at all times. Remember that in the face of aridity and disenchantment, avarice is as perennial as the grass, and that catering to someone’s greed will always give you the edge. TAKE KINDLY the counsel of the years, but take care not to surrender the things of youth. Distress yourself not with imaginings: many fears are born of fatigue or loneliness. A new trophy spouse will keep you company and help you sleep, and a good surgeon can help you keep from looking like a middle-aged fool when the two of you are in public. DESPITE TIME’S changing fortunes, continue to buy low and sell high. Beyond a wholesome discipline in the market, be lavish with yourself. So far you can’t take it with you, although in a manner of speaking you may end up doing so yet. YOU ARE a fluke of the universe. By destroying the trees and dimming the stars you have forfeited your right to be here. And whether or not you can hear it, the universe is plotting behind your back. Be careful. Paybacks are hell.

Rules Is Rules


An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.

  

“I’m sorry,” says the maître d’, “You can’t come in here without a Thai.”